Chronicles of a socially challenged moron
by LSmysterywriter
Summary: This fic was inspired by "lamentations of a starry eyed twit" It is the diary of Madame Malkin, as she isn't featured in the Harry Potter books or films very much. I hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
1. inescapable fling

Chronicles of a socially challenged moron

2:36pm the store

"You're impossible!"

"Not my fault you can't afford to buy me decent sized robes unlike my brother"

"don't you ever speak to your mother like that you know very well that mark was a prefect and so we rewarded him with –"

"With whatever he wanted. I don't care about mark! What about me? If I don't have decent robes Draco won't let me in the inferiors!"

"VINCENT CRABBE! You watch your language!"

Here we go again, Notebook…

Everyday it's the same, whether it's daft first years or idiot fifth years, they're all the same to me. If only I had taken that job on tour with Celestina Warbeck…

Trying to drown out the voice of Vincent Crabbe and his mother, I turn up the wizarding wireless network and hum along with 'a cauldron of hot strong love'.

"How rude! Come along Vinniepoo. We'll come back later as I want to catch up with Narcissa Malfoy across the street, you boys can play whilst we talk about Lucius's impressive performance Hmm….."

Thank god that's over. I wonder if Narcissa knows that Mrs. Crabbe is in love with her husband? Oh well, I'm glad to be rid of them. 'Oh yes lets go see precious Madame Malkin's so we can brag to unfortunates about our fortunes.' That's me precious Madame Malkin. Don't Ask me why I'm talking to a notebook as I have no idea what has gotten into me, but my dear friend Auriga Sinistra gave it to me. She's rather pleasant but I'll admit slightly mental. Ok, she's completely loopy but you've got to love her. Anyway I ought to go as- MERLIN'S BEARD! Sirius Black's escaped from Azkaban! I was just flipping through witch weekly (and no I was not perving at their article about top ten evil sorceresses who can inspect my robes whenever they want, but merely checking the pages for perfume samples. How dare you suggest I rub the article on myself in a somewhat seducing way? Oh shut up!) When I noticed the headline Azkaban escape and who wouldn't mind finding him in their quarters alongside a picture of Sirius black!

Well I think I ought to sit down. Now promise you won't tell notebook, well of course not your a notebook for goodness sakes well back in my sixth year as a Gryffindor (yes I went to Hogwarts as a student) black and I had a, well I suppose you could call it a bit of a fling, you see one night James and Sirius snuck into the kitchens and brought back some firewhisky we all tried some (yes I was a brave Gryffindor in fact I could tell you stories about Minerva McGonagall….) And somehow Sirius I locked in broom cupboard and we were drunk and well you get my point. How was I supposed to know he'd end up responsible for 13 deaths? He was quite a nice boy and quite fit from all that quiditch…Come on Dorothea! Pull yourself together you have customers!


	2. fraternising with the enemy

Chronicles of a socially challenged moron

-Part 2-

6:23pm the 3 broomsticks  
I definitely need a fire whiskey after the day I had. After the run in with the latest copy of which weekly (oh shut up you pervert) who walks into my shop but Molly Weasley accompanied by her youngest, Ginny (because Ginny's robes were ripped to shreds since her journey last year in the chamber of secrets which is meant to be a secret but of course everyone knows.) Then whilst Ginny was trying on the robes Molly and I were talking about the new defence against the dark arts teacher at Hogwarts this year, turns out that Albus Dumbledore has hired Remus Lupin. Finally good judgement on his part. I don't know what was going through that man's head when he hired Slatero Quirrel (maybe one too many butterbeers), and that Gilderoy Lockhart what a pompous arse. Finally someone sane. Anyway I just apparated to Hogsmede for a drink with my good friend, Rolanda hooch, the flying instructor at Hogwarts and Madame Rosmerta, of course talking and drinking. According to Rolanda the ministry of magic have sent dementors inspecting every nook and cranny in the wizarding and muggle worlds and even Dumbledore had to allow them standing guard outside of Hogwarts as a safety precaution to the students. Better go now otherwise Rolanda will give me strife about you. According to her it is an epidemic first Auriga who's passed it onto me then who knows who will be infected from there.

9:34am my bed  
Oh my god. Well that was a good night, resulting in a throbbing head ,a bad dream and vague memories of snogging the minister for magic who happened to stop by the three broomsticks last night. Excuse me for just one moment while I go throw up.  
9:39am the floor of my bathroom.  
Just received a owl from Rolanda saying that she hopes I am feeling better as she wasn't sure what happened after she brought me home by side along apparation last night, she said it was 'quite humorous' seeing me get royally smashed and that we will have to get together soon providing I get a better hold on my body's reaction to 6 firewhisky's and 8 butterbeers.  
Is that really how many I had? Wow no wonder I feel like crap. She must be bonkers for letting me drink that much.  
9:46 still the floor of my bathroom  
Oh shut up I'd like to see u try to stand after 6 fire whisky's and 8 butterbeers  
9:53 my bed  
I finally got up even though I had to use a levicorpus jinx to heist myself up from my ankle and crawl into bed using my hands, oh shut up like you're so perfect (and you're not by the way.)  
10:01 still my bed  
I just received another owl this time from the minister of magic, saying that could I please not tell anyone about our little make out session last night as he would not appreciate it if word got around that our minister enjoyed getting a little tipsy and initiating kisses with random strangers and if I could reply ASAP as he would not like to have to jinx me for my disco-operation in this matter. Well he can go jump off a lake threatening me whilst trying to protect his precious image as if I would want a thousand people knowing I got smashed and snogged the minister for magic.  
10:16  
Which I would not by the way 10:23  
Absolutely not  
10:26  
Why would I under any circumstances in which I was sober want to snog Cornelius fudge?  
10:32  
Oh shut up!


	3. Doreatahea Malkin, Desperate whore

Chronicles of a socially challenged moron

-Part 3-

6:46 the leaky cauldron

"What will it be tonight Doreathea? Firewhiskey or a few butterbeers?" Asked Tom the barman about five seconds ago

"Just pumpkin juice for me tonight, thanks Tom"

"Playing it safe r u? Yeah I would too after all most people have already heard about your run in with Cornelius last night."

"Oh please, I tripped and fell"

"Onto his lips? Oh well I would be ashamed too after all who would want to snog that old prune."

Yep those were his exact words. Please excuse my gag reflex to that particular comment.

"Each to his own I guess," he said then left me sitting here sipping pumpkin juice and trying to collect myself.

Great.

Now everybody who walks into the three broomsticks or the leaky caldron is going to know about me and the minister. Tom and Rosmerta are good people but as bar owners they tend to let slip to much information to their customers. Maybe I should start going to the hogs do you think; Doreathea Malkin desperate whore, I can just see the personal add written now on the front page of witch weekly, no really I can see my god! I am going to kill Rolanda!

6:53

Oh my god somebody get me a paper bag

6:55

Inhale exhale I hale exhale come on breathe, breathe inhale exhale inhale exhale, OH MY GOD!

6: 58

Ok I'm ok, I will be fine right after I Arvada kedavra Rolanda hooch

7:16 in bed

Ok I'm home now I guess I should probley tell you what happened. Well I was sitting at the bar at the leaky cauldron writing in you and then I saw some old hag, sitting a few seats down reading witch weekly and on the cover was a winner of a dating competition and a headline, 'Doreathea Malkin, desperate whore, who wants to go out with a beautiful seamstress with a charming personality?'

Then guess who I ran into?

At the time I was thinking that no one that I could of run into would be able to make this situation worse except maybe Sirius black or you know who himself but oh no of course with my luck I ran into Severus shape, sneering king of Hogwarts,

"Oh congratulations Doreathea, Auriga, Victoria and Rolanda have been discussing this all day, I'm sure your parents must be so proud," he said.

Pompous arse, fat slimy bastard.

'And you had nothing better to do than listen in? How pathetic"

Than the bastard sneered at me;

"oh yes I'm not the one with a personal ad all over the papers and I'm pathetic,"

Into which I replied with, 'bugger off u bastardly piece of shit' and hurled my pumpkin juice at him into which he replied

"coming from the desperate whore, I suppose I should take that as a complement."

Then I slammed 5 sickles on the bench and went home. I am never leaving this bed.

Ever. Right after I go get something to eat.

7:34 Just ate, now I am never leaving this bed. Except to send a howler to Rolanda, hopefully it will arrive in time for the post at breakfast so everyone can see how twisted and sick she really is.

Mawhahahaha, *cackles*

See I could of been a Slytherin.


	4. An interesting owl

CHRONICLES OF A SOCIALLY CHALLENGED MORON

-PART 4-

1:36 AM

I just fell out of my bed. Do you want to know why? BECAUSE I JUST GOT A LETTER FROM SOMEONE REPLING TO MY PERSONAL ADD! Some wizard in Norway named Charlie. He said he saw the add and was wondering why i was plastering myself all over the covers of witch weekly, the daily prophet and even some muggle magazine called 'woman!'. He then said that he will be in London next week on business and would i like to meet and discuss it over a few butterbeers. He is expecting my owl in reply. What do i say? He sounds quite nice. Hmmm...

2:18 AM

Well too late now. I just sent my owl in reply. I said i would meet him at the three broomsticks at 8 o'clock next Wednesday. What is wrong with me?

2:21 AM

Don't answer that.

2:56 AM

HE'S A RIGHT FOUL GIT! I WANT HIM TO DIE! DIE YOU BASTARDLY PEICE OF SHIT! DIE!

2:58 AM

Just so you know i was refuring to the minister in that last entry.

3:24 AM

You probably want to know what he did?

3:34 AM

Well i am not going to tell you.

3:36 AM

I am not that insane

3:47 AM

HOW DARE YOU SAY I MAKE UP FOR MY ABANDOMENT ISSUES BY WRITING IN YOU! OH, BUGGER OFF.


End file.
